The Quest for the Wheat Sword
by HungryPaperweight
Summary: Garet is determined to find the legendary "Wheat Sword," but Jenna is convinced it's just a rumor. These two will journey to the ends of Weyard - and even the boundaries of sanity - to prove who's right!


IMPORTANT: It is highly recommended you read the Wheat Sword FAQ ( .com/wiki/Wheat_Sword/Forging_the_Wheat_Sword_FAQ ) before reading this story. Things will make _much_ more sense if you do.

...Not that it's meant to make any sense in the first place.

-*-*-*-

Jenna was sleeping soundly until she heard a tapping noise behind her. She let out a yawn and rolled over in her bed to look out the window. Vale wasn't very active at night, so it was strange to hear _any_ noise when it was _this_ late. Jenna looked around, but even from the second story she couldn't see anything in the dark. _Probably just a bird or something, anyways,_ she thought. As soon as she laid down to go back to sleep, she saw a small rock fly up and hit her window. Sighing, she sat up again and opened the window, sticking her head out to get a better look. Below her was Garet, holding a fistful of pebbles in one hand and some papers in the other. What Jenna found strange was that he was fully dressed, as if he was planning on going somewhere.

"Garet?" Jenna rubbed her eyes, still half-asleep. "What are you doing here?"

Garet waved his papers in the air. "I found proof!"

"Shhh!" Jenna held a finger up to her lips, then started speaking in a hushed voice. "Keep it down! My parents are still asleep!"

"But this is important!" Garet seemed oblivious to Jenna's warning. "What I've found _proves_ I'm right!"

"What are you talking about?" Soon, Jenna remembered what they had been arguing about several days ago. "Oh my god. Are you _still_ caught up on _that!?_"

Garet dropped his rocks to rifle through the papers. "But it's all right here! Where to go and what to do to find it!"

"Oh, really? And where did you find this information?"

"GameFAQs."

"Hunh?"

"Never mind. That's not important." Garet waved the question away. "Just get dressed! There's no time to waste!"

"Garet, it's just a rumor! An urban legend! There _is_ no 'Wheat Sword!' And even if there was, what kind of stupid name is 'Wheat Sword,' anyways?"

"It'll make sense by the time we get the weapon. Now come on!"

"Garet, it's three in the morning. You can be as stupid as you want _after_ the sun comes up. But right now, I'm going back to sleep." Before Garet could protest, Jenna pulled her window closed and rolled over, pulling her blankets up to her head.

Jenna heard a few more rocks bounce off her window, but they soon stopped. Before she could drift back to sleep, though, she heard a loud crash. Sitting up, she saw a large rock - about the size of her head - sitting in the middle of her room. Tiny bits of glass were scattered around the floor and over her bed. Jenna looked out her broken window, slack-jawed at this incredible display of idiocy, and saw Garet motioning for her to come down.

"Fine!" Jenna shouted, no longer worried about waking anyone. "But _only_ so I can prove you wrong!"

As Garet left, Jenna turned and looked around her room, unsure how she was going to cross without cutting her feet on all the glass. The young woman let out a frustrated sigh. _When this is over,_ she thought, _I'm burning your sister's flower garden and framing _you_ for it!_

-*-*-*-

Jenna lifted her arms and arced her back, letting out a light groan as she stretched. Garet, meanwhile, was flipping through his "guide" and scratching some notes on an extra scrap of paper. They were sitting in Vale's main plaza, the faint glow of the early morning just barely visible over the mountains that surrounded the village.

"So," the sleepy Adept asked, "where to first?"

Garet put his pen down and straightened his papers. "We're going to need some supplies first. There's a lot of back-and-forth involved, so let's start with the Teleport Lapis. I think Piers had it last, which is just as well, because we'll need his help later anyways."

"Need me for what?" The two Mars Adepts turned and saw Piers walking towards them.

Garet stood up and met him halfway. "You've got the Teleport Lapis, right?"

"Actually, Isaac's borrowing it," the Lemurian said, seemingly disappointed. "That's not all you needed me for, is it?"

"Of course not," Garet motioned for him to join the duo. "How do you feel about a return trip to Lemuria?"

"W-wh-what!?!?" Piers suddenly started pouting, tears welling up in his eyes. "But, but- How could you be so cruel! You know Conservato won't allow me to go home! Nobody loves me! Waaaaahhh!!!" Piers' cries could be heard throughout the village as he ran back to his cabin, tripping once or twice along the way.

Garet and Jenna were speechless at first, but finally Jenna broke the silence. "I...never pictured Piers as the 'drama queen' type."

"Meh, he'll get over it." Garet motioned for her to follow. "Let's go find Isaac. We can come back for Piers once we get the Time Cube."

"Yeah... Wait, 'Time Cube?' "

-*-*-*-

A Psynergy Stone served as the power source of Kraden's machine, which was too complex to describe in mere words. Kraden placed a piece of lead into the main chamber and closed the hatch, latching it so it wouldn't fly open in the middle of the experiment. He then flipped several levers and switches, and the machine started to shake, generating an awful clanking noise. He then looked for Isaac, who was standing in the corner of Kraden's new cottage.

Kraden pointed over his machine and raised his voice to be heard over the noise. "Isaac, could you go press the big red button marked 'DO NOT TOUCH' on the back side of the furnace?" Isaac shook his head no, to which Kraden replied: "Don't be afraid, Isaac! I'd never ask you to do something I wouldn't do myself. Now please, go press the button." Isaac again shook his head, so Kraden repeated himself. "Don't be afraid, Isaac! I'd never ask you to do something I wouldn't do myself. Now please..."

This went on for a while: Kraden kept saying the same few lines over and over again, and each time Isaac refused without saying a word. Eventually, though, Isaac nodded, and Kraden said "Thank you," apparently having completely forgotten that Isaac had kept refusing.

When Isaac pressed the button, a whirring sound emanated from the machine, accompanied by a lot of steam. "According to my calculations," Kraden said, barely audible over the racket, "we should have just the right balance of rubber chickens, skateboards, and Magical Girl DVDs to turn lead into gold! Today will go down as one of the greatest days in the history of alchemy!"

As the two waited, the machine gradually settled down and eventually stopped. Moments later, a red light over the hatch turned on an a *ding* was heard. Kraden put on a pair of Mythril gloves and opened the hatch, coughing as steam billowed out of it. The elderly scholar reached in and pulled out...a banana?

"Well, _that_ wasn't supposed to happen. Although it _is_ the right color." Despite his obvious disappointment, Kraden unpeeled the banana and took a bite. "Hmmm... Tastes okay. Why don't we stop for breakfast!" Isaac nodded. "I'll bet this will taste great once sliced and put on some cereal!" As soon as Kraden said the word "cereal," the banana exploded. Gagging on the smoke, Kraden and Isaac rushed outside, almost trampling Garet and Jenna.

"Oof!" Having been knocked to the ground, Jenna looked up and saw nothing but Isaac's hair. _Wait, if this is his hair, where's his fac- Holy $%*!_ "Get the hell off of me!!!" As Isaac rolled off of Jenna, Garet and Kraden were busy collecting Garet's papers, which had been scattered when the two collided.

Kraden handed the papers to Garet. "Sorry about that. My experiment didn't exactly go as planned, and we had to make a hasty exit."

"Don't worry about it." Garet quickly flipped through his papers, making sure they were all there. "Anyways, we need both of your guys' help in finding the Wheat Sword."

Jenna dusted off her skirt. "No, we need their help to prove that it _doesn't even exist!_" Then something occurred to Jenna. "Wait, why do we need Kraden's help?"

"I'll explain later," Garet said. "Are you guys in or not?"

"Well, I don't see why not," Kraden said. "It sounds exiting!" Isaac simply nodded.

"All right, then. Next we're going to need a mind-reader. Has anyone seen Ivan or Sheba?"

"Sheba's on a date with my brother, somewhere," Jenna said. "I don't know where they went, though."

Kraden wiped some soot off his glasses. "I think Ivan said he would be training outside the village."

Garet folded up his papers and tucked them into his pocket. "Ivan it is, then. Let's go!" Jenna followed her three companions out of the village, none of them noticing that Kraden's cottage was slowly burning to the ground.

-*-*-*-

A group of Vermin huddled underneath a bush, hiding from the monster that had already killed countless other Vermin. Just when they thought they were safe, they could hear a rustling sound above them. The frightened Vermin dashed out of their hiding place, only to be fried by small lightning bolts. One of them managed to escape, but it was soon skewered by Ivan's blade.

"Haha n00bz i pwnd u!!!" Ivan said as he sprinted over to another bush and cast Whirlwind to scare another group of Vermin out of hiding, killing them in much the same way he eliminated the last group. He repeated this process several more times, but stopped when he heard someone calling him.

"Hey, Ivan!" Garet called from across the field.

Ivan ran over to his friends, apparently immune to the fatigue that normally accompanies so much physical activity. When he caught up, he said, "Hi guyz i r getin xp" not even bothering to add proper punctuation.

"That's cool, but wouldn't you rather help us get an 'uber strong' weapon?" Garet asked.

"lol sure" was Ivan's reply.

"And when, exactly, are we finally going to do that?" Jenna asked, a bit annoyed that she was woken up in the middle of the night and they were _still_ hanging around Vale.

"Soon," Garet said, looking at a single scrap of paper. "But first we'll need a bone, two 'corns,' and the Laughing Fungus."

"Don't you worry about that," Kraden said as he pulled a red mushroom with yellow spots and two ears of corn out of his robes.

Jenna was a bit dumbstruck. "Well, that was...oddly convenient. But where are we going to find a bone?"

"lol n00bz" Ivan picked up one of the Vermins he killed, which vanished, leaving nothing but bones in its place. "Bonez r teh n00b itemz"

Garet took the bones from Ivan and handed them to Kraden, but Jenna just pointed back and forth between Ivan and the bones. "Ah, buh, whu? How did he-?"

"Now that that's settled," Garet pointed dramatically, a peculiar backdrop appearing behind him, "TO THE SHIP!!!"

"Umm, Garet?" Kraden appeared next to the Mars Adept as the background faded back to reality. The scholar was pointing in the opposite direction. "The ship is _that_ way."

"Uh, yeah, I knew that. I was just, umm, testing you. Yeah..."

"Haha u r a n00b!!1" Ivan said as he followed behind Kraden and Garet. Jenna, meanwhile, just stared at them before turning to look at Isaac.

"Do _you_ know what's going on here?" She asked. Isaac just shook his head, to which Jenna let out a deep sigh. "It's official. The whole world's gone crazy."

-*-*-*-

Instead of the usual fine mist, Lemuria was coated in a dense fog today. The fog was so thick that you could literally cut it with a knife; Kraden did just that as they traveled the ancient streets. To be specific, he cut out a square of fog and placed it between two slices of bread. He took a few bites before he noticed Jenna looking at him. He held his fog sandwich out to her. "Want some?"

"Err, no thanks..." Jenna inched away from the scholar, not sure what else to say.

"Can't say I blame you," Kraden said as he took another bite. "Could use some salt."

Garet took a few steps up a flight of stairs, then turned to face his companions. "Let's focus, people! We need to find a dog and exchange the bones for some seeds."

Jenna rolled her eyes. "What, are you going to _grow_ the sword?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Garet said. "Everyone knows only _axes_ grow on trees."

"lol burnd" Ivan said.

Jenna silently fumed, although her frustration was intense enough to start dissipating the fog. "Fine, so, where _is_ this dog, anyways?"

"Uhhhh..." Garet just stared blankly ahead for a while, then shouted: "Let's split up, gang!"

Kraden swallowed another bit of his sandwich before turning to Isaac. "Why don't you go explore the city while the rest of us just stand here and do nothing except repeat the same few lines to you no matter how many times you talk to us?" Isaac nodded, then started wandering aimlessly.

_This is pointless,_ Jenna thought. _I'm outta here._ She wandered away from where Garet, Ivan, and Kraden were standing, and soon found herself at Piers' house. _Piers couldn't come here, so I guess I should at least check up on his uncle for him._

Jenna knocked on the door, only to find that the door was unlatched. And unhinged, for that matter, as it fell on the floor, whipping up a cloud of dust. After she stopped coughing, Jenna looked around the one-room house and noticed that the bed had been moved. Where it used to be was an opened trapdoor. Rather than rushing back to tell the others, Jenna entered the trapdoor and walked down a winding staircase. The air was stale, but smelled strangely like magnolias and Alfredo sauce. At the bottom of the stairs was an old, wooden door. Light crept out from underneath, and Jenna thought she heard voices on the other side. She slowly opened the door...and soon found herself in front of a live studio audience!

"Aaaaand we have a winner, folks!" A peculiar man said. His skin was completely blue and he didn't have much hair: only a single, short ponytail and a curly beard. He was wearing very little clothing, yet couldn't really be considered "naked." His most notable feature, though - aside from his skin color, of course - was that he had a wispy tail where his legs should have been. The blue man hovered over the ground and he held the tip of his tail, which was transformed into a microphone.

"Hello, everybody," the blue man said, facing a camera that happened to be run by an animated carpet, "and welcome to another exiting episode of 'What the Heck Just Happened!?' As always, I'm your host, 'the Genie of the Laaamp!' " The blue man leaned in closer to the camera and half-whispered: "My friends just call me Genie."

Jenna, meanwhile, was almost too dumbstruck for words. Almost: "What the hell is going on here!?"

"Oh, no no no no no," Genie said. "That show's over in studio 5. You're on..." He gestured to the audience, who said in unison: " 'What the Heck Just Happened!?' "

"So, what's your name, miss?" Genie asked, holding the microphone in front of Jenna.

The young Mars Adept had no idea what this was all about, but didn't see any harm in playing along. "Uh, m-my name is Jenna."

"Jenna, lovely name! Mind if I call you Jen?"

"Well, actually, I-"

Genie, ignoring her, turned back to the audience. "Everyone give Jen a big round of applause!" As the audience clapped, Genie - whose microphone-tail vanished - floated over to a large wheel with many pictures painted around the edges. "After all, she's going to need it to survive…"

Again, he let the audience finish his sentence: " 'The Wheel of Unpredictability!!!' "

"That's right!" Genie spun the wheel, which created an odd beeping sound to indicate how fast it was spinning. "Round and round she goes. Where she stops? Heck if I know!"

"Whoa, whoa, wait." Jenna walked over to the wheel to talk to Genie. "What's this about a wheel?"

"Didn't they tell you backstage?" Genie asked. He then muttered, "I am _so_ firing Roxas." Back at a level the audience could here, Genie said, "Well then, allow me to explain. See this arrow?" He gestured above them, where a large red arrow was pointing at the wheel. "Once the wheel stops spinning, whatever picture the arrow points at determines the challenge you have to complete to collect your prize. For example, if it lands on the barbed-wire fence, you have to run our life-or-death obstacle course within the time allotted."

"Okay." It took Jenna a moment to realize what Genie was saying. "Wait, _what!?!?_"

"And that's not all!" Genie continued, as though Jenna never said anything. "Say, hypothetically, you get the ice cream picture. If that happens, we force-feed you one metric ton of ice cream; if you don't die, you win! Or, if you get the bunny rabbit picture, you'll have to survive five minutes in 'The Rabbid Cage!' " He gestured behind him, where strangely humanoid rabbits wandered around a cage doing random things. One in particular faced the camera and, after a short pause, pulled out a plunger and screamed, "Daaaaaaahhhh!!!"

"W-wait a sec," Jenna protested. "I never signed up for this!"

"Too late!" Genie said, as the wheel slowly came to a halt. When it did, the arrow pointed at a picture of a gold medal.

Jenna, a little frightened by this point, asked, "Wh-what d-does _that_ mean?"

As soon as she turned around, Jenna saw about half a dozen Genies. Each wore a cheerleader outfit, with legs replacing their tails and what appeared to be blonde wigs on their heads. Waving pom-poms in the air, they started cheering in a slightly-girly tone. "We'll have to end the show real soon, because the author's such a loon! Skip around and speed the plot, time to show us what you've got!"

At this point, Jenna's brain was on the verge of shutting down from "nonsense overload." Before that happened, though, she managed to ask, "What the heck just happened!?"

"_Now_ you're getting it!" Genie said, suddenly transforming back to normal, the other Genies disappearing in puffs of smoke. "Basically, we don't have any more time to spare on this scene. Heck, we're already on page 8 and we're barely getting started! This fic will probably get turned into a two-parter when it was supposed to be a one-shot!"

"Page? Fic?" Jenna couldn't be any more confused. "What are you talking about?"

"Never mind. What's important is that you won, and here's your prize!" Genie handed her a medal, much like the ones used in the fountain games in Lemuria and Tolbi. "Now if you'll excuse me, Jen, I'm gonna go see if I can talk the author into giving me another cameo later in the story. Hope to see you then!"

As soon as he said this, Genie, the audience, and pretty much everything else vanished. All that was left was Jenna and her new medal, standing in the middle of a dark, dank cave. After standing there for a few minutes, Jenna turned around and walked back up the stairs that led her down there, too stupefied to say anything.

-*-*-*-

Kraden was rather ruffled after that little adventure. "Honestly, Garet, is this weapon _really_ worth all this trouble?"

Garet immediately went on the defensive. "Hey, the guide didn't say anything about _that_ happening! But it doesn't matter now," Garet tossed some seeds into the air, catching them as they fell only to toss them back up. "We got what we came here for. Now we go to Prox."

"g00d ting we tellyd h34r" was Ivan's inarticulate way of saying he was glad they had the Teleport Lapis with them. Isaac nodded.

"By the way," Kraden said, "has anyone seen Jenna?"

"tehr she iz" Ivan said, running towards the fountain in the center of Lemuria's plaza.

Facing away from the fountain, Jenna tossed her new medal over her shoulder. _It _says_ it's a "Super Lucky Medal,"_ she thought. _I might as well see what I can win with it._ Turning around, she saw the medal bounce off a turtle, which mysteriously changed colors. It then rolled over to a crab, who picked it up and ate it.

"Well, _that_ was a bust," Jenna said as she walked away from the fountain. Moments later, the crab choked on the medal and fell over, dead. The crab then burst open in an explosion of confetti, with a bladeless hilt emerging from the crab's remains. On the hilt were engraved the words "Hilt of Fields." Also, if one listened closely, they could hear the familiar "got item" jingle from the _Legend of Zelda_ series playing in the background.

Jenna met up with her friends, but Garet didn't look happy. "Where were you, anyways?" he asked.

"That's none of your business," Jenna snapped. _Besides, you wouldn't believe me if I told you._ "So, are we giving up on this whole 'Wheat Sword' nonsense yet?"

"Hardly." Garet held the seeds out for Jenna to see. "We've already taken the first step in a long trading sequence that will get us the best weapon of all time!"

No sooner had Garet said this than a bunch of birds swooped down and flew off with the seeds in their beaks. Jenna just burst out laughing at Garet's misfortune, with Kraden also trying hard not to laugh. Ivan called Garet a "n00b" and said that he got "pwnd." Isaac just stood there, expressionless.

Garet was slack-jawed for a moment, then started yelling at the birds. "Hey! Come back here, you mangy feather dusters! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna- Ooh, what's that?" Garet now stood in front of a store window, staring wide-eyed at the pastries lined up inside, drool dripping from his open mouth.

"I didn't think they _had_ stores like this in Lemuria," Jenna said, passively accepting such a seemingly-normal oddity after her adventure beneath Piers' house.

"Don't worry about those birds, Garet," Kraden said, patting the distracted Mars Adept on the shoulder. "I think I have a few Bramble Seeds on hand. Will those do?"

"Uh huh, sure." Garet was paying little attention to his comrades, but turned to them and pointed at the sweets inside the bakery, the scrumptious aromas wafting into the streets. "Say, can we grab a bite to eat before we leave?"

-*-*-*-

A short woman with a large mushroom growing out of her head was cleaning the counter when four children and an elderly man entered her bakery. One of the boys had spiky red hair, reminiscent of a fire, and looked around at all the freshly-baked pastries lined up along the shelves. The old man and the girl came up to the counter while the other two boys followed their dazed friend around the store.

"Hello, and welcome to 'Peach's Pastries,' " the mushroom-lady said. "My name is Tayce T., and I'll be your waitress today."

The red-headed girl seemed rather confused. "Umm, this doesn't _look_ like a restaurant..."

"Don't be rude, Jenna," the old man said. "It's not _her_ fault she's a freak of nature."

"What? I didn't say-"

"Yeah!" Tayce T. added, clearly perturbed. "Just who do you think you are, waltzing in here and insulting me like that! You should be ashamed of yourself!"

"But all I said was-"

"Honestly, young lady, didn't your parents teach you _any_ manners?" The old man suddenly seemed to be taller than usual - most likely because he was standing on a box labeled "SOAP."

"Miss-tuh Kway-din?" Jenna and the elder turned to see a four-year-old version of Garet tugging on Kraden's robes. Behind him were Isaac, at about the same age, who was holding Ivan, now so young he was sucking his thumb and wearing "diapers of +4 cuteness." Young Garet held up a box of Yoshi Cookies. "Can yoo buy dese for us? Pweeeese?"

"Why, certainly!" Kraden said, taking the box from young Garet and placing it on the counter. While Tayce T. checked the price and opened the cash register, Kraden searched his robes for some money. "Let's see... Nail clippers... Beard trimmer... Echo's bag of chips…"

Kraden's search was interrupted when something crashed through the large, wall-sized window at the front of the store. During the confusion, a Venus Djinni wearing black "spy clothes" jumped onto the counter and grabbed the bag of chips out of Kraden's hand, shouting "MINE!!!"

A Jupiter Djinni wearing an near-identical outfit materialized right next to the Venus Djinni. "Let the chips go, Echo!"

"No way, Haze!" Echo said. "All the chips in the world belong to me! ME!!! Nobody else!" He then jumped down and ran out of the store, shouting "Mine! All mine! Bwahahahaha!!!"

"Not this time, Echo!" Haze said, flying after the Venus Djinni. "Those chips _are_ going to be shared, even if it's the last thing I do!"

Everyone stood there for a moment, not sure what to do. Except young Garet, who was crying. Eventually, though, Kraden continued rummaging through his inventory. "A month-long subscription to 'Alchemists Quarterly'... A Fusion Dragon plushie... A Nyunpa's Cube (gonna have to finish that thing someday)... Oh!" He took out the two ears of corn and the Laughing Fungus and handed them to Jenna. "Why don't you hold on to these, okay?"

"Umm, sure..." Jenna took the items and put them away in her backpack. _This is _insane!_ I mean, that thing in the cave was weird enough, but now _everyone's_ acting like loons! Am I the only one left with _any_ common sense? Or am _I_ the one going crazy? I mean, things like this just don't happen!_

Tayce T. handed Kraden his receipt. "Thank you, and have a nice day!"

Kraden nodded, then picked up the box of cookies and turned to leave. "Coming, Jenna?"

"Umm, yeah, it's just..." Jenna turned to face the shopkeeper, pointing at the young Adepts behind her. "Do _you_ know how they got so young?"

Tayce T.'s usually cheerful expression quickly soured. "You shouldn't have asked so many questions."

"Umm, a simple 'I don't know' would've been enough."

The mushroom-head sighed. "I didn't want it to have to come to this, but you've left me with no choice..." Tayce T. pressed a button under the counter, and the floor beneath the Adepts gave way. The five travelers soon found themselves plummeting countless feet into the inky black depths of the earth. The last words Jenna remembered hearing were Tayce T.'s echoes: "You should have left when you still had the chance!"

-*-*-*-

"Jenna? Jenna! Wake up!"

Jenna recognized the voice, but couldn't remember who it was. Still, there was one person who always ran to check on her when she had a nightmare.

"Mhh. Not now, Felix." Jenna rolled over, trying to ignore her older brother for a moment.

This time someone grabbed her shoulder and started rocking her. "Felix isn't here, Jenna," the voice said. "It's me, Garet."

"Huh?" This got Jenna's attention, although she was still too tired to open her eyes. Yes, that was definitely Garet's voice. "What are you doing in my house?"

"Umm, I'm not," Garet said. "Remember what we were doing up until now? Trading bones for seeds? Looking for the Wheat Sword?"

Jenna was wide awake after hearing Garet say "Wheat Sword." She bolted upright and looked around, and was shocked at what she saw. Isaac, Ivan, Kraden, and Garet were all nearby - and back to their normal ages - but they weren't anywhere they'd ever been before. In fact, they weren't even on "land," in the traditional sense. They were underwater.

Underwater, but not drowning. Jenna quickly noticed that they were able to breathe normally, despite being submerged. That didn't bother her much, considering her day so far. No, it was something else that _really_ bothered her...

"Oh, _come on!_" Jenna shouted. "And here I was hoping this crazy day was all just a dream!"

"Are you kidding?" Garet asked. "This is too awesome to be a dream!"

"_How_ is being underwater 'awesome?' "

"Because, it means we can skip a lot of the trading sequence!" Garet unfolded his papers and fingered his way through them until he found the spot he was looking for. "Here we are! We need to get the Coral Key from the Mermaid Queen. There should be two guards outside her chamber. We use Mind Read on the right-hand guard, then tell the password he's thinking of to the left-hand guard."

"You're kidding, right?" Jenna was now standing up. Well, half standing, half floating.

Garet put his papers away. "Relax. I've been right about everything so far, haven't I?"

"First of all, we haven't done much, so that isn't really saying anything." Jenna swam-walked over to the others. "Besides, that's not what I was talking about."

"Then what's the problem?"

"i cal hax!!1" Ivan said, most likely referring to their ability to breathe underwater.

Jenna pointed at the illiterate Wind Adept. "_That_ is what I'm talking about."

"Meh, we'll work it out," Garet said, seemingly oblivious to Jenna's concern.

The five questers walked down a path cut through a kelp forest, stopping at the occasional clearing to admire the submarine environment. Eventually, though, they came across a large coral wall; in the wall was a large gate inlaid with pearls. At either side of the gate was a merman, each wearing chest armor and a helmet. Also, each carried a trident-like weapon: the right-hand guard wielded a spear that split into three tips, arranged in a triangle pattern; the other held a giant fork.

The guards lowered their weapons across the gate when the Adepts approached. The fork-wielding guard said, "We have been ordered to keep all surface dwellers out of the lost kingdom of Mulanticus. Return to your arid homes and never return." The other guard - most likely the older of the two, as he had a wiry white beard - just muttered something even _less_ comprehensible than what Ivan usually said.

"Oh well, we tried," Jenna turned to leave, but Garet grabbed her by the arm.

"Nobody in the S.O.G. Brigade gives up _that_ easily."

Jenna looked at Garet like he was crazy (which he most likely was). "The S.O... Say what now?"

"Forget it." Garet looked at Ivan and pointed at the mumbling elder guard. "All right, mini-Ness. Go work your magic!"

"lol kk" Ivan said as he ran up to the bearded guard. Ivan then placed his hand on the guard and began to glow. After a few moments, Ivan stopped and returned to the others.

"Alright, now," Garet rubbed his hands together in anticipation, "go up to the other guard and tell him the password."

Ivan ran back to the guards and stood in front of the fork-wielding guard. "Did you not hear me, ape?" the guard asked. "Leave, or we will be forced to act."

Ignoring him, Ivan said, "no 1 lols teh queen, kk?"

The guard just stared at him for a moment. "What _are_ you talking about?"

"nbdy lmaos teh quen, k?"

Jenna buried her head in her hands. "This is _not_ going to end well."

"Relax," Garet said. "What's the worst that could happen?"

The bearded guard mumbled something, to which the fork-wielding guard said, "I agree." He then lowered his oversized utensil to point at the Adepts. "Arrest them!"

"That!" Jenna said. "_That's_ the worst that could happen!"

"I don't know," Kraden said. "I'm sure things could get _much_ worse."

The mumbling guard subdued Ivan while the fork-wielding guard swam over to the other four. Jenna turned to Isaac and asked, "Can't _you_ do something?" Isaac nodded. "Thank the elements I'm not the _only_ sane one!" Jenna pushed Isaac towards the fork-wielding guard. "Now try and talk him out of this."

Garet and Kraden gasped, and Ivan said, "omfg u r teh uber n00b!!!!!!111one"

"What?" Jenna asked, clueless as to what they were so worried about. "What are you guys so worri-"

Jenna was interrupted by an awful noise, one that sounded much like those old dial-up internet connections. The source of this noise was Isaac, who opened his mouth for the first time in this entire fanfic. The good news was that the guards were too busy trying to protect their ears to arrest the surface-dwellers. The bad news was that Jenna and her friends were too busy trying to protect _their_ ears to run away.

"Why did you do that!?" Garet shouted, trying to be heard over Isaac's "voice."

"Well, how was _I_ supposed to know this would happen?" Jenna shot back.

Isaac finally stopped "talking" when the Adepts heard a familiar voice. "What is going on out here?"

"Oh dear!" The fork-wielding guard suddenly grew nervous. "We've upset the princess!"

"What!?" Kraden asked.

"Th-the p-p-princess..." the guard said. "Sh-sh-she'll have _all_ our h-heads for sure!"

Kraden stepped forward, cupping his hands to his ears. "No, I mean 'speak up!' " he shouted. "My hearing aids broke!"

"Is that her?" Jenna pointed at a murky figure quickly approaching them from over the gate.

The figure's voice could be heard again. "I'm _trying_ to take a nap here! Wait... Isaac? Garet? Is that you?" As the mermaid princess swam closer, the heroes could see that she was someone they knew _very_ well.

"M-Mia!?!?" The five heroes shouted in unison. Well, Jenna, Garet, and Kraden did. Ivan said "wtf mai?" and Isaac just said "!!!" No, I don't know how that's pronounced either.

Mer-Mia swam over to her friends, the scales on her tail a darker shade of the blue in her hair. Jenna thought it was odd that Mia still wore her Imilian clothes from the waist-up. Well, she _would_ have found it odd if she ever got over the shock of Mia being a mermaid.

"Hey guys," Mia said, waving her hand casually. "What are you guys doing down here?"

"Forget that!" Garet said. "When were you going to tell us you're a princess!"

"Oh, well..." Mia started twirling her hair around her finger, a slight blush growing on her cheeks. "I was actually hoping you guys wouldn't find out..."

Jenna whacked Garet over his head. "You're stuck on the _princess_ part!? Since when was Mia a frickin' _mermaid?_"

"I-I know we haven't spent much time together, Jenna," Mia said, a little offended. "B-but I thought my tail would have been a dead giveaway."

"Yeah," Garet added. "Are you blind or something?"

Jenna wanted to say, "But she never _had_ a tail!" Before she could, though, they heard another familiar voice calling:

"Mia! What did you find?" Another merman swam over the gate and came up next to Mia. Again, it was a face they all recognized.

"Alex!" Garet drew his sword, which turned out to be a toy lightsaber. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Umm, I _live_ here," Mer-Alex said, sizing up the heroes. He then turned to his fellow Mer-Imilian. "Mia, could you _please_ tell your friends to come back some other time? We have important royal duties to attend to."

Before anyone could react, Garet lunged at Alex, swinging his would-be weapon. Alex countered by casting Douse, which didn't really do much considering they were already underwater. Jenna turned to Isaac and Kraden, but saw them playing cards with the two guards. Ivan, meanwhile, was running into the coral wall, acting as though it wasn't there but still making no progress.

Jenna ran over to Mia. "Would you _please_ tell me what _Alex_ is doing here?"

"Oh, right," Mia ignored Garet and Alex's poor excuse for a fight, which wasn't very hard. "My father recently appointed Alex to be my knight. You know, protecting me from danger and stuff like that."

"But-but-but... He betrayed your people and tricked us into lighting the lighthouses so he could steal the power of the Golden Sun!"

"That was only so he could make me this!" Mia held up a pendant that glowed with the colors of the four elements. "It's beautiful, isn't it? It contains actual Elemental Beacon light!"

Once again, Jenna tried to protest only to be interrupted, this time by trumpets. Everyone (except Ivan) stopped what they were doing as the gates opened and a red carpet rolled out into the kelp forest. The carpet came to a stop at Jenna's and Mia's feet/fins; unrolling with it was Genie, this time wearing a medieval outfit and reading from a scroll.

"Hear ye, hear ye," Genie said. "Make ye way for he who commands waves and guides typhoons!" Then, in the blink of an eye, Genie was wearing a referee uniform, his scroll transforming into a microphone. This time a spotlight appeared over him as he said, "Weighing in at over 400 pounds, the master of water, the lord of the ocean, Kiiiiiiing Poseidon!!!" The spotlight then trailed up the carpet, focusing on the largest merman any of them had ever seen.

Jenna's jaw dropped when she saw Poseidon, and her mind wheeled back to the time she and the others had to fight past him to enter Lemuria. Before she could relive that awful memory, though, Mia waved at the mer-king. "Hi, daddy!"

"Wait," Jenna put a hand on Mia's shoulder. "_He_ is your _father!?!?!?_"

The water suddenly crackled with electricity as Poseidon's trident began charging. In a booming voice, he said, "Unhand my daughter, you filthy land-dweller!"

"Ooh, tough luck," Genie appeared behind Jenna. "Well, Jen, it was nice knowing ya!" And with that, he vanished again.

"Whoa, wait," Jenna returned her attention to Poseidon, waving her hands in front of her. "Y-you don't understand..."

"Silence!!!" Poseidon aimed his trident at Jenna. "_Ocean Fist!_" The water around his trident began swirling, forming a whirlpool that rocketed ahead and hit Jenna head on, knocking her out.

-*-*-*-

On a beach somewhere in northern Osenia, a pair of stray, sunburnt penguins were fighting a seagull for ownership of a wet Fusion Dragon plushie, its "Made in Xian" tag on its last thread. After getting slapped, pelted with eggs, and nearly steamrolled by the penguins, the seagull staggered over to an unconscious girl. The girl lay face-down in the sand, her red hair tied into a ponytail. Near her were four other bodies, all alive but unconscious.

The seagull started pecking at the girl's head; after about ten minutes the girl had enough of a headache to wake up and blindly bat her hand at whatever was disturbing her. As the seagull flew away, the girl sat up and brushed the wet sand off her face, spitting salt water out of her mouth.

"Ugh," the girl looked around to get her bearings. She soon spotted her four comrades. "Isaac! Kraden! Ivan!" Ignoring Garet - _This is all that idiot's fault, anyways_ - Jenna ran over to check on her friends.

Kraden rolled over when Jenna touched him. "Not now, Babi. Just three more levels to go and I get the high sco- Ooh, now look what you made me... Zzzzzzzz..."

_Well, at least he's alive,_ Jenna thought before checking on the others. Isaac woke up almost as soon as she got to him. "Isaac! Are you alright?" Isaac nodded. "Are you sure?" He shook his head. "Well then, you just rest. I'm gonna go check on Ivan." Isaac nodded.

As soon as Jenna got up, she heard Garet mutter something. "Been seven years... For the DS... Three Adepts... Should be four... Isaac's son?... Is that Nereid?... Cool graphics, though..." Garet sat up and shook the sand and water out of his hair. "Ugh, I feel like I got dunked in feathers and covered with tar."

"It's the other way around, moron," Jenna retorted. She brushed the hair out of Ivan's face, only to notice that his eyes were wide open. "What the...!? You little faker! Get up!" Jenna pulled Ivan to his feet, only to watch him fall over. And land on Kraden, I might add.

"Oof! I'm up, I'm up!" The elderly scholar was now wide awake. Jenna and Isaac pulled the wind Adept off Kraden, whom Garet helped to his feet. "Well, it looks like we're all here...but just where is 'here,' anyways?"

"I don't know," Jenna said, waving her hand in front of Ivan's face. "But right now, I'm more worried about Ivan. He seems completely out of it."

Garet, meanwhile, had taken out his papers - which, oddly enough, were perfectly dry - and was flipping back and forth between them. "Well, that may not have gone according to plan, but I'm sure we can try again later."

"You!" Jenna stormed over to her fellow Mars Adept, who was unaware of her approach until she grabbed him by the collar and spun him to look her in the eyes. "What the hell did you think you were doing!? You could have gotten us all _killed!_"

Garet pushed Jenna away. "Hey, _you're_ the one who got on Poseidon's bad side, not me."

"And what about Alex? I know he manipulated us all, but he's crazy-strong now. Just attacking him without warning isn't exactly the best strategy!"

"We would have had to eventually!" Garet flipped through his papers again. "You see, the Coral Key we were _supposed_ to get from the Mermaid Queen," - he glared at Jenna as he said this, giving the impression that he blamed her for their failure - "Would have let us into a secret chamber in Mercury Lighthouse, where we would have to fight Alex anyways. I was just taking advantage of the opportunity to take his bag of keys ahead of schedule."

Jenna snorted. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever hea-"

"sry i was afk" The two fire Adepts turned and saw that Ivan was moving again.

Kraden clapped his hands together. "Well, now that we're all up and moving again, what do you say we head into town for something to eat?"

"What town?" Jenna and Garet said, almost in unison.

Ivan ran inland, saying "lol n00bz folw me"

-*-*-*-

The five travelers walked through the streets of Alhafra, finally rebuilt after the tidal wave that ruined the city all those months ago. Alhafra was now even more impressive than ever before: it had a public library, basketball courts, a movie theater, and even a brand new shopping mall. The Adepts sat in the food court while Kraden came back from McDonpa with their lunch.

"I still think we should have gone to Babi King," Kraden said, silently mourning the loss of his Fusion Dragon plushie.

Garet took a bite out of his burger, spilling some mustard on his pants. "Meh, their prices are too high."

"So, now what?" Jenna asked, taking a big slurp of Dr. Popple.

"Well, I say we pick up where we *munch-gulp* left of. We're supposed to take the seeds to Prox, then... Well, I forgot, but we can check once we get there."

Kraden chewed on some fries before asking, "What about our ship? Isn't it still in Lemuria?"

"Oh. Yeah. That could be a problem." Garet took another bite of his burger. "Well, we should be able to teleport without it, and I think we'll be returning to Lemuria soon anyways, so we should be fine until then."

Jenna just nodded, eager to get this ridiculous "quest" over with so she could go home. Soon, though, her soda caught up with her and she excused herself for a potty break. When she got back, the others had vanished -_ They ditched me! I can't believe they'd ditch me!_ Instead, a small boy stood by the table, crying.

"Hey," she asked, "is something wrong?"

The boy fought back tears as he choked out the words. "O-our *hic* our house, th-they built *sniff* this m-mall over it, a-and *sob* I'm so hungry!!!"

"Ohh, you poor thing..." Jenna wanted to help the boy, but knew she had to find her friends before they got too far away. Then she remembered something - "Oh, wait a sec..." - and rummaged through her pack until she found the corn Kraden gave her. Jenna handed the corn to the boy. "Would this help?"

The boy snatched the corn out of Jenna's hands before she was even done asking. "Th-thank you, ma'am!" Manners out of the way, the boy greedily devoured the corn. Just as Jenna began to leave, glad to have helped the child, the boy grabbed hold of her skirt. "W-wait!" He held out a mysterious coupon. "P-please, take this!"

"Oh, thank you," Jenna said as she accepted the coupon. She took a closer look at it as she went to search for her companions. _Hmm, it looks like the Game Tickets we used in Tolbi and Contigo. I wonder if they'll accept this?_

"Hey, Jenna!" The young Mars Adept could hear Garet calling her name as she left the mall. Looking around, she saw him and the others on a boat that clearly wasn't theirs. "What do you think of our new ship?"

The ship's most notable feature was the design on the flag: it was the pirate's standard, a skull-and-crossbones, only the skull was wearing a straw hat. Ivan was in the crow's nest, saying "lol i r teh pir8 king ^o^"

Jenna just stared at Garet for a moment, then at the flag, then at Garet again. "Um, yeah. It's nice and all, but... Are you _sure_ that's 'ours?' "

"Aw, relax. Now get on board! We're heading for Prox!"

As Jenna climbed up the side of the ship, Kraden pulled Garet aside. "Umm, Garet, do you know how much longer this quest is going to take?"

"Don't worry, Kraden. I heard the author say something about a time skip between now and the second half of the story."

"Oh, I suppose that will work then. Alright, I'll go tell the others!"

-*-*-*-

Author's comments:

Well, you heard the man! There's gonna be a time skip! In part two, Jenna will be a single mom, working two jobs to support her three teenage children.

Jenna: "Uh, I think that's _too_ much of a time skip..."

Isaac: *nods* "Uh, I mean, definitely!"

Jenna: "I'm not talking to you."

Isaac: "What? What'd I do?"

Garet: "Well, back around page 3 or 4, you _did_ sorta bury your face in her b-"

Jenna and Isaac: "Shut up, Garet!"

Me: "All right, you guys. Settle down."

Ivan: "By the way, can I stop speaking 'leet' yet?"

Me: "No, you can't. And it's spelled '1337' "

Ivan: "Well, it's embarrassing..."

Aaanyways, I hope to get part two up on April Fool's Day, but no promises!

In case you couldn't tell by now, this is a parody-style story. Personally, I'd imagine that Ivan's "1337 5p34k" would give it away, assuming the GameFAQs reference and the Magical Girl DVDs wasn't enough. If you made it past Genie's game show and _still_ didn't realize this is a comedy story... Well, I guess some people are just slow.

Mia: "That's not very nice."

Er, yeah. Sorry. Anyways, like Genie said, this was _meant_ to be a one-shot, but wound up too long. And, despite all the cameos, I doubt this would qualify as a crossover.

Genie: "I'm gonna be in the next chapter, too, right?"

Me: "Eh, we'll see."

Oh, and if you know why Kraden's banana exploded, I owe you a cookie!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go to Xian and look for a Fusion Dragon plushie. It's the last one I need to complete my collection!

Kraden: "See if you can pick one up for me while you're there!"


End file.
